Ever wonder why a toddler gets so much joy out of saying the word “no”? Every question asked or command given is met with this simple two letter word. Once learned it’s in their vocabulary for life, and, while young, we work really hard to get a “yes” out of our sweet little ones.
A 2008 study suggested moms and toddlers argued upwards of 20 times an hour. That’s a lot! The study had the children take part in activities that were slightly advanced for their developmental level, as well as show the transition between just before dinner and during mealtime. Both situations likely produced high stress levels for both moms and the toddlers, as they probably clashed in how and when things should be done.
Another study at UCLA suggested children hear the word “no” more than 400 times a day. That’s astounding! Perhaps this is why they learn and love the word so much.
Help Your Child (and yourself) Have a YES-Brain
Give Choices You Can Live With – Many arguments with children can be squashed by giving simple choices you both can live with.
“Would you like to wear your boots or sneakers?”
“Would you like apple slices or a go-gurt?”
By simply saying “What would you like to have?” while ordering in the drive-thru you may be there a while, while your little one ponders all the foods he likes to eat. By giving two simple choices the stress of all the many options is taken away and the answer comes quick and easy.
Think Before You React – Think to yourself “what’s the worst that can happen?” If someone is going to get hurt, do not hesitate to jump in with a calm and firm reason as to why that action/behavior is not okay. However, if your child is engaged in an activity and is really trying to accomplish something, observe before reacting. You may ask “What’s your plan with all those sticks and rocks?” instead of saying “NO! Put those sticks down! You’ll poke your eye out!” Get down to your child’s level and ask intriguing questions, show interest in what they are doing, and be the ready-made safety if needed.
Give Natural Consequences – This is probably the most difficult for many of us parents, but the more we can let nature take it’s course, the more our children will begin to learn about cause-and-effect.
“Put your coat on, it’s cold outside!”
“No! I don’t want my coat on! I’m not cold.”
Negative Response: “What did I say?! You need to listen right now or we are not going anywhere! You can stay here!”
Natural Consequence with Choice:
“If you don’t want to wear it now, we can put it in the car in case you get cold?”
“It looks like you’re cold, you’re shivering. Remember we put your coat in the car before we left, you can get it if you need it.”
I laugh hysterically at this skit from Micheal McIntyre about battles with children. The struggle is real sometimes, right?
React With Love NOT Shame
Our natural reaction is to first say no to questions or requests our children make. But, what if it wasn’t? What if choices and inquiries were a part of their daily life? What if they see your interest in what they are doing and the accomplishments they are making, no matter how small they seem? Allowing our children to make choices at a young age and guiding them through these choices with love instead of shame, will only help them make better choices as adults.
In the situation with the coat, parents often respond with “See! I told you you’d be cold.” If nature is allowed to take it’s course, children will begin to see that you were right and no shame is needed. In the future they will make better choices for themselves.