Ever drive on the interstate and out of nowhere you are in dead-stop, bumper-to-bumper traffic? After a few minutes of sitting there, barely moving, the flood gates open and you’re back up to 65 mph in no time at all. Now your brain is clogged with feelings of confusion and excitement. Confusion, because you have no earthly idea where that traffic came from. You bend your neck out the window to see if there was an accident, construction, or a stranded car. NOTHING. No apparent reason for the traffic, besides perhaps merging traffic. A little bit of frustration fogs your thoughts and slips out from your lips, but as quickly as all that confusion and frustration came, excitement comes. Traffic picks up and you are in the clear. You zoom past those “slow-goers”, in and out of lanes until you feel comfortable to pick up speed and head for the home stretch. You are on your way home now. You get to see your family. You get to be surrounded by people who love you unconditionally.
Raising children is like stop-and-go traffic: confusing and exciting.
Nothing prepares drivers for those moments of traffic frustration. The manuals we study before our driving test barely mention traffic, much less how to regulate your emotions when those mind-baffling, 0-to-60, traffic moments happen. We were not given a manual on how to teach emotional regulation to our children, or help them through stressful situations. Most likely, we did not learn how to fully regulate our own emotions; we just learned how to adapt to various situations and apply some appropriate emotional behaviors (in some sense). After all, we, as adults, throw temper tantrums too.
Adults may not always flair up with anger, they may tantrum with some retail therapy, beating a punching bag at the gym, or cleaning the house (vigorously and thoroughly). No matter the form of tantrum, intense outbursts of screams, threats, or quiet grunts, tantrums are challenging for all.
So, how do we help a small child regulate their emotions in times of intense behavior or stress? How do we regulate our own emotions when we see these tiny beings, entrusted to us by God, Himself, to love and care for and raise to come to Him, when they have lost their minds in anger?
“I hate you!”
“You’re the meanest!”
Ever heard these phrases? Or is it just me? These tiny, yet intelligent, creatures can be so furious, flipped their lids, yelled at their parents or siblings and, once calm, cover their loved ones in hugs, kisses, and “I love you”. Talk about confusion! How hard is it not to get upset with a child screaming those phrases out of anger? Only your child knows why he/she is upset, yet no words are used to explain this sudden emotion – this 0-to-60 roller coaster of emotions. According to Dr. Dan Siegel in his book The Whole-Brain Child, children are incapable of knowing what they are doing when their upper brain has flipped open exposing the downstairs brain.
The bounce-back capabilities of a child are impressive; however, without growth, development, and guidance from loving and trusted adults, those capabilities become possibilities for self-doubt and behavioral problems. It is, therefore, not beneficial to meet anger with anger or upset with upset.
All behavior is communication.
It is best to meet unwanted behavior with love and connection, while remaining kind and firm.
Ephesians 6:4 says, Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Discipline is when you have self-control. Regulating emotions requires enormous amounts of self-control. Children are not born with this trait and need to be guided and “instructed” in a way that will teach life-long skills we desire our children to have.
3 Ways to Guide Children Toward Appropriate Life-Long Skills
- Model Desired Behaviors – Children’s brains are like sponges – especially in the early years. These are the most vital times to instill desired social and emotional behaviors. Do not confuse commanding for modeling. If your child demands you put his jacket on, instead of saying “What do you say?”, by simply saying “Can you help me with my jacket, please?” while assisting with his jacket, would model appropriate behavior.
- STOP. BREATHE. CHOOSE – When you are feeling upset, frustrated, mad, etc – stop! Do not continue anything you are doing – freeze! Take a breath. Putting oxygen in your brain helps with focus and clarity. It can also help release negative energies that may have, otherwise, gotten out of control quickly. Next, once some clarity has entered your brain – choose a course of action. What do you understand from your child’s behavior and what will be the appropriate reaction. Choose a course of action. Sometimes it just takes holding your child while he cries. Sometimes problem solving needs to take place – involving him in the process will be best. We want our children to make smart choices later in life – right?
- Safe Space – Have your child help create a safe space in the home where he can go when he needs time to calm his body. Include him in creating his spot by adding some of his favorite “calm down” toys, books that promote understanding and sharing feelings, pillows, etc. Use your safe space! Create your own safe space and use it when you are feeling yourself become overwhelmed, angry, frustrated, etc. It is totally okay to tell your child “I’m going to take a moment and go to my safe space to calm my body. I am getting frustrated right now. I’ll be ready to talk when I am calm.”