It’s the end of Thanksgiving break and school is back in session tomorrow. Most parents are eager to send their children back to school; some teachers are rested and ready to tackle the next three weeks until Christmas break. Going back to school may not bring up anxieties in all children, but for my son it totally does.
This year he is a fourth-grader and absolutely despises his teacher. He comes home every day angry (after holding it in all day) and complains of her yelling, giving restrictions, and just overall being mean. In a class of 35 (How do they get away with that in Elementary School?!), no windows in the class, and a microphone around her neck, I can sympathize with her feelings of stress in the classroom. However, to a child with ADHD and Anxiety, this situation is even more overwhelming.
Prior to going in to the parent/teacher conference the week before Thanksgiving break, I had to ask myself, “What is so different between this teacher and past teachers?” The light bulb almost burst – RELATIONSHIP!
Signs of No Relationship…
- When the teacher opens the conference with – “Your son is a struggle for me, I’m going to tell you that!”
- When you email requesting feedback and the teacher chooses to shame your child instead.
- Your spouse is greeted with a smile, but the smile quickly fades when looking at your child.
- When you mention there’s no relationship/rapport and the teacher quickly says “That’s easy to do when you only have three kids, but with 35, that’s difficult.”
- When the teacher gets defensive and blames others for her shortcomings in the classroom.
- When the teacher repeatedly says “He just won’t focus!”
There’s a lot more to this story than I wish to share. My goal, of course, is not to shame or point fingers at the teacher. I give her credit to trying with such large ratios and various learning styles in the room. My issue here is more to do with the lack of education provided to elementary school teachers on proper relationship building methods and understanding children with special needs.
In my Master’s of Elementary Education degree I was required to take only ONE course on the exceptional student, with ten hours of field experience. That was definitely not enough to prepare me for understanding and accommodating to the needs of those with special needs like ADHD, anxiety, autism, etc.
So why are so many elementary teachers getting so burned out? Not only is it demanding curriculum and unforgivably high ratios, but so many have not mastered the art of building relationships.
According to the National Education Association’s article Building Relationships with Students, written by Nina Sears, “one mistake some teachers make is using harsh language with students. They use sarcasm when joking or unkind words when disciplining them.” A New Mexico teacher, Eloy Gonzales, stated “You may have the content knowledge, but if you don’t build the rapport with students, you won’t get anywhere.”
When dealing with a large classroom, rapport building is essential but difficult. However, inserting children with special needs, even if minor, relationship building becomes critical. Teachers need to understand and know triggers, needed accommodations, and resources to help.
As a parent you can help by having frequent communication with your child’s teachers, sharing experiences at home and any information provided by doctors, therapists, etc. Teachers will never know what they are not told. Children need trusted relationships in order to succeed.
According the child development theorist, Jean Piaget,
School Age Child (6-to-12 Years) Industry vs. Inferiority Phase
“This is a very social stage of development and if we experience unresolved feelings of inadequacy and inferiority among our peers, we can have serious problems in terms of competence and self-esteem. As the world expands a bit, our most significant relationship is with the school and neighborhood.”
It’s time to help teachers understand the importance of building relationships, instead of seeing issues (out of the control of the child) as behavioral problems, shaming children, and causing more anxiety than necessary.