Parenting is tough. Probably one of the toughest jobs on the planet. It is emotionally and physically draining. If you’re anything like me, you just want to raise your children to be kind, problem-solvers, independent, friendly, good citizens, forward thinkers, and one day good parents themselves. If you’re anything like me, you might feel like you’re failing your children at times. You screamed one more time after telling yourself you weren’t going to yell anymore. Perhaps you punished your child without knowing the full story and felt absolutely horrible after you learned the reality of what happened. Whatever it is that’s causing you to feel like you’re not parenting your child the way you would like to, you are not alone and there is good news – There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). We are not perfect and should not be too hard on ourselves. God knows our hearts and will guide us through the toughest tasks in our lives.
There is no script for parenting before you decide to build a family. It may shock a few to see how quickly the parenting styles of our parents quickly come in to our actions and words. Ever hear the phrase “that sounded just like my mother/father”? I’ve said it! Experiences in our lives begin to mold the way we think and behave. How you were raised will have a huge impact on how you raise your children, unless you decide with your spouse from the beginning the boundaries you will set, the parenting style you will use, and work hard to be consistent and unified in those decisions. The hardest part may be when life throws you curve balls like learning disorders, military/work obligations, educational demands, puberty, etc. Consistency and connection are key!
One of the most important concepts of parenting is modeling. Model what you would like to see in your children, and be consistent with it. If you would like to see your children behaving in a specific way, you must also behave in that way. Here are two simple examples:
Please/Thank You: If you want your children being polite and saying please and thank you, you will need to start by saying it to them.
Simple enough, right?
“Clean up!” becomes “Please put your toys away before going outside.” If your child picks up his/her toys, you might say “Thank you for being responsible and putting your toys away.”
There is so much being modeled in these two simple positive phrases. I have heard many say “My child just needs to listen and do what I say!” That is true; however, are we raising children to listen or make good choices? What will you say or do when your child comes back and says “Get me a drink!” One might say to that “I don’t know who you’re talking to like that” or “What’s the magic word?” The simple truth here is – if it is expected for children to be kind and respectful, they must be taught how to be such things, and the only way to teach that is by modeling. Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6).
Problem-Solving/Correcting Mistakes: Children are not born with adult brains, they are not natural problem solvers. They need to be taught how to problem solve and correct mistakes. Positive guidance has much more of an affect than doing for the child or shaming.
Messes are a natural part of growing up, learning how to control the body. I laugh at this one because in the last weeks my 6-year-old acts as if he has never had open cups at the dinner table. Nearly every night he has been knocking over his cup. As I watch and observe him to see why this is all-of-a-sudden happening again, I observe that he is just so excited about serving himself and talking with his family. This child of mine is going to be a thespian one day with his big dramatic story telling capabilities and over-exaggeration of arm movements when he talks (yes, he takes after me).
So when your child spills something instead of saying “Look at the mess you made! Clean it up!”, make it a teachable moment and say “Mistakes happen. What do you think you could do about that so it’s not making your food soggy?” Wait for an answer, but if they are young and still learning this way of thinking, you could offer some suggestions: “Would it help if we got a towel?” “Would you like to see how absorption works?” (Yes, this is effective. It’s science!) Mistakes happen! If overreactions, criticisms, or commands are the first thing the child is met with, they may begin to shut down in those instances and feel bad about themselves, because they feel they failed the person they are trying to impress the most – their parent. Let’s lift them up and help them learn to solve problems. After all, do you want your child coming to you and saying “Look at what you did!” when you make a mistake?
There are so many ways to model positive, problem-solving behaviors. Learning begins at home. Creating a unified parenting plan, setting boundaries, and working with your children, will help build desired behaviors. There are so many factors that play in to the behaviors we see, but connection before correction, seeking knowledge and help, and working together with those influential to the lives of your children is essential. You are the parents – you get to decide how your children are raised. You make the difference. Understand no one is perfect, but through Christ, we are all forgiven and have an awesome warrior on our side.
For more tips on conscious/positive parenting subscribe to my weekly, minute reads “Pip Squeaks”. Happy Parenting!